The Do’s and Don’ts of helping a friend or relative through grief
Grief Recovery
July 22, 2021
Although we might think we know them, everybody is unique in how they react to a loss. Grief is a natural response, but it is individual, and can be a journey over weeks or years.
The following suggestions can help them, especially in the early part of their grief journey.
| Good Things To Do | Don’t do this |
| Sit with them. Be sincere and present. Give them a handshake, or if appropriate, a hug | Do not let them grieve alone, but also give them some space. This is a delicate balance |
| Be a patient listener. Let them take the lead. They will talk (about the loss) when ready and when they do, just let them talk | Do not promise to do something unless you will definitely do it. Otherwise your offer of support will become an unhelpful added loss |
| In the initial week(s), give them a lasagna or something they can eat over a few days | If you’ve experienced a loss, don’t compare your loss to their loss. It’s all unique |
| If you can’t visit then call to just ask “R U OK”. Do this over a few weeks or months | At least in the first weeks, don’t text or email. Always call, it’s more personal |
| Good Things To Say | Don’t say this |
| “How have you been since I last saw you” | “I know what you’re going through” … because everyone’s experience is different and unique |
| “It’s good to just keep things simple for a while. Is there anything I can do right now to help you do that?” | “You have to stay strong for your children” … because that pastes over the pain and slows their grieving. It’s better to help them with their children |
| “I’m here whenever you need someone to talk to, just pick up the phone and call me, anytime, day or night.” “Is there anything you want to talk about while I’m here now?” | “You must be so angry he/she cheated on you” or … “You must be so angry with the driver of that car, he shouldn’t have been driving drunk, or at that old age” ... don’t suggest causes or pre-empt their feelings … let them tell you, when they are ready |
| “If you feel like you are sinking, do you know the LifeLine phone number? Can I put it on the fridge for you?” | “Get a hold of yourself. Keep moving. Stay busy” … because they really just need to sit for a while and grieve to get through the initial shock, fog and pain of the loss. This helps prevent grief resurfacing later |
| If they have a spiritual background, ask can you pray for them … be careful because they might actually hate or blame God at this point | “Just give it time” … because time alone won’t heal. It’s more about what the person does in the time that will help them to move through the pain and get back on track to a fulfilling life journey |
| “How’s your family doing? Do you have any concerns about any of them at the moment?” | “Don’t feel bad, you will get over her. There are plenty more fish in the sea” … because that implies you can easily replace the loss and ignore the pain |
A hand-out from “Your Grief Recovery: A Guide for Separated, Divorced and Widowed Men”, prepared by Peter from his own loss experiences and learning. Click here to view
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